Remembering
by ladyluck2905
Summary: "I will remind you who I am...everyday". Derek may have to fulfill his promise sooner than he thought and under different circumstances. Will he be able to help her remember? Will Meredith want to remember? Set in season 7 before Callie's accident.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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><p>Derek pulled into a parking space outside the hospital, turned off the ignition and glanced upwards to the sky. It was yet another dark, rainy day and he sighed as he watched, for a moment, the rain drops bounce off the hood of his car. Mesmerised by their light, rhythmic tapping on the body work he allowed his mind to wander back to that evening many years ago when Meredith, the love of his life, was waiting by his car for him, in the rain, with a bottle of wine and an invitation to go and watch the ferry boats. A small smile formed on his face as he remembered back to that night. In reality it wasn't that long ago. Almost seven years maybe, but in his head it seemed like a lifetime. All the drama, the ups and the downs and the issues that they had slowly dealt with over the last few years meant that now they were at a place in their lives that he could only have dreamt about back then. There was no hidden wife waiting to shatter their lives, no abandonment or trust issues in Meredith head and conflicts at work. They were in love, they were married and they were happy.<p>

Derek shock his head and laughed quietly to himself. He was always his nostalgic when they had to spend the night apart. He'd hated it last night, finishing his shift as she was starting hers and going home to the empty house. It was unusual for it to be totally empty. There was normally at least one of the residents hanging about somewhere but as soon as he pulled up to the house and saw it in darkness he knew it was empty. He'd had a poor nights sleep surprisingly, considering he'd had the bed to himself which was probably only adding to his bad mood at the thought that he would not see her until he'd finished work that evening. He grabbed his bag off the passenger seat, jumped out the car and made a run for the hospital. With any luck he would be able to grab five minutes with his wife before she headed home.

Meredith was waiting for him at the nurses station, her eyes lighting up as she saw him step off the elevator. She put the chart that she was looking at behind the desk and made her way towards him.

"Morning," she said as she kissed him. "Did you miss me?"

"Always," he replied. They fell into step as they made their way toward the locker room. "You look exhausted. Rough night?"

"Could have been worse. Least I'm getting away on time. I could sleep for a week,"

They stopped outside the locker room door and as Meredith reached to open the door, Derek placed his hand on her arm to stop her.

"I love you,"

"I love you too but what I really need now is some sleep so that maybe when you get home tonight I want to do something more than sleep!" Even through the tiredness Derek knew exactly what she was meaning. He'd been in love with her too long to miss all the subtle signals she was giving out. The slight twinkle in her eyes, the small smile and the way her body unconsciously moved closer to his. He mirrored her body language, took half a sleep forward and stroked her jaw line slowly.

"I'll see you tonight then," he said as he took a few steps backwards, reluctant to take his eyes off her just yet. He gave her one last smile and then turned and walked away.

Meredith watched as he strode off towards his office, a bounce in his step at the thought of her promise. She changed her clothes, threw everything into her bag and made her way out of the hospital and towards her car. Today, with the promise of sleep and an evening with her husband, the rain didn't bother her. Life was finally good. It still surprised her that she had finally got her happily ever after. Things like that didn't happen to people like her. She wasn't that deluded that she couldn't acknowledge the stresses of the last seven years, it was just that she choose to focus on the good things that had enable her to get where she was today. Yes, the shooting had been horrific and has been the scariest few hours of her life but they got through it and were better than ever. The miscarriage had been difficult but it had meant that she was now sure she wanted a family more than ever with Derek. Any last niggling doubts were gone. It had been hard finding out about her hostile uterus but they would get through it together. They had not come this far to give up so easily on the final piece of their happiness.

Meredith pulled out the hospital car park, flicked on the wipers ,turned the radio up slightly louder and smiled. There was nothing that they couldn't get through. They had dealt with divorce, with death and with inner demons but they had made it through the other side.

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><p>"Fantastic surgery Dr. Shepherd," Kepner said, scuttling after him down the corridor.<p>

He pulled his scrub cap from his head and ran his hand through his hair. "I need coffee before the next one,"

He loved his job almost as much as he loved Meredith but today his endless list of routine surgeries just seemed to stretch out in front of him. He needed something more exciting to keep him going, something to pique his interest and help pass the day. The beeping of his pager chose that exact moment to answer his unspoken prayer as he looked down and saw the 911 page.

"Kepner, forget coffee," he shouted over his shoulder as he jogged towards the elevator. "We're needed. Trauma coming in,"

The ambulance was just pulling in as Derek and Kepner joined Jackson and Owen outside. They stepped towards the back of the ambulance as the doors shot opened and a paramedic jumped down from the back.

"Female, mid thirties, head on collision with another car. Other driver lost control, crossed lanes and crashed into her car," reported the female paramedic as the gurney was lifted to the floor.

"Where's the other driver," Owen asked, wondering if they were going to need to clear a second trauma room for the other driver.

"Died at the scene," she said. "To look at the cars, we were surprised when we felt a pulse on this one. BP holding in the low 80s, lost vitals twice in the field,,"

"Massive head wound," the second paramedic said, grabbing the sides of the gurney ready to push it in the direction of the doors.

"She's bleeding out. Lets a get a central line and cross match two units," Owen ordered. "Shepherd, you wanna take a look at the head wound, "

Derek moved forward, ready to assess the injury and decide the best course of action. As he approached the gurney that was now being pushed by the paramedics towards the doors, he could see out of the corner of his eye that Owen was going the same to a large open wound across the woman's stomach. He focus on his task at hand and then he stopped. That was when his world stood still, when the voices of the paramedics and the doctors around him faded away and the only sound he could hear was his heart beat throbbing in his ears. Even with the bandages and tape obstructing his view, he would know that face anywhere.

"Oh my God", he gulped, his eyes not moving from her bloodied and already swollen face, "Its Meredith,"

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><p>This is my first attempt at this! I thought I'd try and dip my toe in the "fanfic" waters. If this chapter festers away unread I will retire gracefully! LL<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you to anyone who took the time to leave a review._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing!_

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><p>"It's Meredith," he repeated, his voice barely more than a whisper.<p>

Everyone stopped and for the first time actually looked down at the victim on the gurney. They looked past the injuries, through the adrenalin and they saw her. Her slim, petite frame, her small hands and her blonde hair fanned out on the gurney. Yes, it was Meredith Grey.

"Page the Chief, page Bailey and someone page Nelson," Owen shouted as he took control of the situation and continued moving to the empty trauma room.

Derek didn't move. He couldn't. He wanted to follow Meredith, to run after the pack of doctors crowding round her and barking orders but he couldn't. His feet wouldn't move. He was sure he was telling his feet to move but they weren't obeying. How could this be happening to him again? How could he be losing her again? Had they not been through enough?

"Dr Shepherd," Kepner said, touching his arm. "We should go inside, we should…," she stopped talking when she saw his face. He wasn't taking in anything she was saying to him. She led him gently through the E.R and down the corridor towards trauma room one.

"I'm going to see how she's doing," she said, leaving him standing in the corridor, a lost look on his face.

Derek leant against the wall. It was as if history was repeating itself. Four years on and here he was, outside the same trauma room while his colleagues, his friends, worked to save his wife. Through the doors he could hear the raised, panicked voices and the slow beeping of the machines. He knew he should fight to get in the room but he wasn't sure if he could face seeing her that again. Over the years he had buried the image of Meredith, blue from the cold waters, fighting for her life. There was a time when the image of her dying was all he could see, was all he could think about. He remembered Mark sitting by him on the floor. All the hurt and betrayal of Marks affair with Addison forgotten as he'd reached over and briefly put a hand on Derek's arm. An intimate gesture born from years of friendship which at that moment in time had meant the world to him. Hurried footsteps coming down the corridor pulled him from his memories.

"Derek, is it true?" the Chief asked, although one look at the man's appearance answered the question for him. Tears were threatening to fall from the neurosurgeons eyes and the colour had drained from his face. Richard Webber headed towards the door of the trauma room and Derek followed.

"No Derek," he said, placing a hand on his chest. "I can't have you in there. You know that,"

"Richard I'm the head of neuro. I need to see her, to assess her," his fight was finally back. The dull feeling of shock had gone and been replaced with the urge to fight. He had to fight for her, to help her fight her way back to him.

"You can't. You're too close," His tone was kind yet forceful. "Nelson is good,"

"I'm the best, you know I am," There was no cockiness behind his comments, no inflated ego. It was just a statement of fact. "She deserves the best,"

"You're right, she does deserve the best and right now that's not you. Look at you. Be her husband Derek, not her doctor,"

Minutes seemed like hours as doctor after doctor poured into Meredith room. As each one opened the door to enter he would crane his head to look in but he couldn't make anything out as the crowd of doctors were creating a screen between husband and wife. Bailey had raced passed him, followed moments later by Nelson. "Shadow Shepherd" had glanced sadly, almost apologetically at Derek before entering the room.

Quiet sobbing approached him and he took his eyes off the door to see Lexie Grey standing beside him, appearing from no where.

"Is it Meredith? It can't be. I only saw her an hour ago. She was fine, she was…." the younger Grey was rambling, trying to process a wave of feelings and Derek just didn't have the energy or the words to comfort her. All he could do was nod. He didn't want to be out here dealing with tears and pain, he wanted to be in with Meredith. He wanted to be fix her so that all the sadness and worry would disappear and they could go back how they were. So that he could continue on with his day and then take his wife home after being discharged and look after her for a few weeks while her injuries mended. But Derek knew deep down, even in the state he was in, that he wouldn't be taking his wife home from the hospital that night. She's come into the hospital unconscious, her vitals were poor and who know knew how her condition had changed while he'd been denied access to her.

"Lexie," he said, putting his arm around her because he knew that's what Meredith would have wanted him to do. "Its going to be ok," He felt her body shaking as her sobbing increased and he pulled her into his arms. They stood together, drawing strength from each other until Mark approached them. He placed a hand on each of their shoulders and Derek gave him a tight lipped smile as he pulled away from Lexie. He stepped back and allowed Mark to fill the void he'd left and Lexie, too upset to remember her hurt at Mark's situation, buried her face in his chest.

As news spread around the hospital and Meredith's friends and fellow residents joined his vigil outside of the trauma room Derek was even more thankful for Marks presence. The thought of having to repeat things over and over again as another and another of her friends appear would have been too much to bear so he gratefully stood back and allowed Mark to inform each of them of the situation. After a while silence descended on the corridor as they waited for news.

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><p>Derek paced around her bed as the room full of people watched Meredith's unconscious body for the slightest of movement. Hours had passed since she'd come out of surgery and she still had not regained consciousness. The open wound on her stomach had been repaired by Owen and although it had looked horrific when she'd been brought into the hospital, had been mostly superficial. Lucky, was the word Owen had used when he'd updated Derek. He said that no major organs had been damaged and she'd been lucky. At the time he'd scoffed slightly to himself, not wanting to appear ungrateful at all the hard work, but angry at such a choice of word. Lucky? Nelson had ordered both a CT and MRI and had allowed Derek to look over the scans with him, something which he appreciated and would not forget. The prognosis on her brain injury hadn't been as good. The CT had shown contusions and, worried about intracranial pressure, Nelson chose to operate quickly.<p>

As a surgeon Derek knew it could take a while for a patient to come round after surgery. It was something he'd told relatives countless times during his career but now he understand that time lost all meaning when you were waiting for a loved one to open their eyes. His eyes darted from Meredith to Cristina as he watched her stand up and move towards the door.

"I'm sorry," she stated to the room of people as she noticed Derek watching her. "I cant sit here anymore just waiting. I can't watch her just laying there. I have to cut or stitch or something,".

Owen looked helplessly at Derek. He was stuck between following his wife and being there for someone he now considered a friend. As if understand his conflict, Derek nodded at Owen and Owen left the room, closing the door gently behind him. Taking Cristina's place in the chair next to the bed Derek took Meredith's hand and squeezed it. He waiting for her to squeeze it back but he knew it was pointless. She just wasn't ready to wake up yet. He let his gaze wash over the other people in the room. Alex, although hiding it well, was struggling to deal with the situation. He guessed it was a result of all those months watching Izzie get sicker and sicker. Lexie, still holding on to Mark as if her life depended on it, was drifting in and out of sleep and Richard stood in the corner quietly taking in the situation.

Derek looked out of the window and was shocked to discover that night had fallen. What was it about hospitals that made you lose track of time? There were moments when a minute felt like an hour and then times when in a blink of an eye hours had passed. Suddenly feeling weary Derek let his head drop down onto the bed. His whole body felt dragged and slowly his eyes drifted closed. His body was just relaxing into sleep when he felt movement. Sitting up suddenly he wondered whether he'd dreamt it or if Meredith was finally waking up. He held his breath as he watched her and then just as he was beginning to think he'd imagined it he felt her hand move again.

"Meredith," he whispered, not wanting to startle her. "Meredith, can you hear me?"

The chief stepped forward and Mark gently woke Lexie up. He stood up and went in search of a nurse to page Nelson.

Everyone watched as slowly Meredith's eyes fluttered open. She squinted as the lights hurt her eyes and she looked round trying to focus. Confusion was etched on her face.

"Meredith, you were in an accident. But don't worry, you're going to be ok," the Chief said, relief ebbing from him as he tried to help her understand where she was.

Wide eyed, Meredith tried to take in her surroundings and the sea of anxious faces starting down at her. Her throat was dry and it hurt to try to form a word. She tried to speak but all she managed was a raspy crocking sound.

"Don't try to talk," Derek whispered. "It's ok. We're just glad you're ok," he squeezed her hand but he felt her tug it away and then move her body slightly away from him. She coughed slightly to clear her throat.

"Meredith?" He reached up to stroke a stray piece of her from her forehead but she flinched back before he could make contact with it. He looked at her face and she stared back at him, her eyes empty of feeling.

"Who are you?"


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I own nothing!_

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><p>Dr. Nelson had always secretly been jealous of Derek Shepherd. Professionally, he was leagues ahead of Nelson. He was termed "Neuro-god" by many in their field for attempting and succeeding in surgeries that had been deemed too risky by countless other surgeons. Shepherd had come to Seattle Grace and pipped him to the post for head of Neuro and during that time he'd had his pick of surgeries, leaving Nelson with the mundane cases. Shepherd was desired by the female members of staff, worshipped by the interns and respected by his peers. He knew what they called him - "Shadow Shepherd". In his life the man had managed to succeed where he had failed. He was married, they were building a future, unlike himself who was getting divorced for a third time and the only relationship he seemed to have had recently was the one he had with his divorce attorney receptionist making appointment after appointment to try to stop his third wife nearly bankrupting him. Over the years he had watched Shepherd strut round the hospital with confidence, watched the swagger of a man whose life was perfect. But right now, seeing the broken surgeon in front of him, his head in his hands, he wouldn't have swapped places with him for a second.<p>

"There's nothing more I can do. Her cases is no longer surgical. I'm passing her on to Price," Nelson said as he, Derek and the Chief stood outside of Meredith's room.

"Price?"

"He's the best neurologist in the hospital Derek. He'll take excellent care of her," Richard said trying to pacify the situation. He could see Derek become more and more irate as he became increasingly frustrated at the situation.

"He may be the best in the hospital Richard but he's not the best on the west coast," He pulled his phone out of his trouser pocket and started scrolling through the list of names in his phone book looking for the right one. "I'm gonna make a call to Whitford at Mass Gen. I've consulted on cases with him in the past. He knows I'd do the same for him if it was his wife. He'll do it. I know he will,"

Richard reached forward and gently took the phone out of Derek's hand. "Let Price look at her. Do you think I would employ someone I don't trust?"

"She doesn't know me. My wife doesn't know who I am? I'm a stranger to her," Derek said helplessly. He looked at Richard, a lost and scared look in his eyes.

"Derek…."

"SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME," Derek yelled this time, his frustration spilling over. He knew Richard was only trying to calm him down but there was nothing he could say that would make the situation any better. He ran his hands through his hair roughly and let his head stay in his hands. He took deep, slow breathes to try and stop the wave of nausea taking over his body.

"Our life together, our memories, our future plans. They're gone.," he looked Richard straight in the eye. "Just like that. I have no future while she can't remember. I have no life while she's like this. I don't care if I have to take her half way around the world and to every specialist there is. If that's what I have to do I will,"

"Ok," Richard conceded. "Call Whitford and any other specialist you want," He handed the phone back to the younger man. "They can have privileges. I want her back as well Derek,"

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><p>Meredith sat up in bed and through the blinds could see the three men outside her room having a heated discussion. The dark haired man who had been holding her hand, who she'd been told was her husband, looked distraught. Even though this hair stuck out a odd angles from him repeating dragging his hands through it and there were dark circles under his eyes, he was clearly a good looking man. While the other two men had shrunk back slightly during the course of the altercation, her "husband" stood tall, his shoulders back and she was pretty sure that whatever the argument was that they'd been having there was only one victor.<p>

When she'd first started to come around she knew almost immediately that she was not in her own bed. The sheets were scratchy and pulled tight against her skin and the bed was uncomfortable. Waking up in a strangers bed was nothing new though so instead of being worried, her first few seconds of consciousness was filled with thoughts about how she was going to slip out without disturbing whoever it was she'd gone home with last night. As she'd tried to move her head, it had throbbed angrily in protest. She'd cursed herself for having one too many tequilas the night before and had given her head a moment to settle down. As hangovers went, it had felt like her worst in a while but it was not bad enough to lay about in bed and run the risk of her bed friend waking up. She'd felt her hand being held, being squeeze and her stomach had dropped. How was she meant to get away now with him hanging on to her? Some men are just so needy, she'd thought to herself.

Outside her room the two other men were walking away while her "husband" was talking on his phone. She sighed deeply and took a sip of water that one of the nurses had brought her. He was talking quickly on the phone, a serious look on his face. When she'd first opened her eyes, his had not been the first face she'd seen. She'd been stunned to find that the bed, the hospital bed she later worked out, was surrounded by strange faces. It was only when she heard the soft, gentle voice coming from her left that she saw him. The waves of love radiating from his eyes had physically shocked her. No one, not even her parents, had ever shown her that much love. The look was so intense that she felt the need to pull away from it, to give herself some distance. That one small moment had crushed the man. Even in her dazed state she could see that.

She was pulled from remembering her first minutes of consciousness by the door opening and her "husband" walking back in. She wished she could remember his name but since waking up she'd been bombarded by questions and people telling her who she was, and who they were. She'd got a bit mad at that point. She didn't't need people telling her who she was. She knew who she was. She was Meredith Grey, a slightly awkward, commitment-phobic intern. Or she would be in a week or two when she could finally get started at Seattle Grace hospital.

"Meredith," the man said softly to her. "How are you feeling?"

"Apart from the hangover from hell I'm fine. I just really need to get home. I've got a ton of unpacking to do before I start work. My mothers house is a total mess and all you strange people are beginning to freak me out,"

Derek slowly walked over and made to sit on the edge of her bed before thinking better of it and sitting on the chair instead.

"Meredith," he said wearily, the last twenty hours taking its toil. "You've had surgery. You were in a car accident and Nelson had to go in to relieve the intracranial pressure,"

"I had surgery?"

"Yes but everything's ok now. You're slightly confused but that's a result of the anaesthetic. You'll come round soon,"

She wasn't sure if he was trying to convince himself or her so she said nothing. They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Outside her room she could see a crowd of people gathering, The older man from earlier was back along with a good looking man. She was slightly disappointed to see his attention was solely on a young brunette.

"Erm….." she stopped as she racked her brain for his name.

"Derek," he muttered sadly. "My name is Derek,"

"Derek could you please close the blinds. I feel like I'm an animal in a zoo with all those people staring at me,"

He stood up and looked apologetically at the group outside as she closed the blinds.

"You know, you don't have to stay here with me. Its nice that you want to but really I'm fine," she said before he could sit back down. "If you could just find me my surgeon so I can find out when I can home that would be great. Like I said, I start a new job soon so I really need to know that I'll be home by then,"

"You can't go home just yet. Someone's coming to see you tomorrow. Richards sent him your scans. He'll look them over and be here first thing. Whitford is the best there is. He'll sort this out, don't worry,"

"I'm fine, really," she moved a little in the bed and felt a dull ache across her abdomen. She lifted up the bed sheets and saw a rectangle piece of gauze across her stomach.

"It was nothing too serious," Derek gave as an explanation. She was too tired to inquire any further.

"Well it hurts," she informed him.

Not wanting to see her in any pain and needing a reason to escape for a few moments he told her he would fetch a doctor to give her more pain medication and he left the room. As he closed the door he was descended on by her friends.

"I'm sorry," he said, interrupting their questions. "I need a minute to myself,"

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><p>He strode off down the corridor, not making eye contact with anyone and headed to the nearest on call room where he locked the door and sank down on the bed. He'd been so relived when she'd opened her eyes. For the first time since she'd been rushed into the E.R, his heart rate had slowed and he'd allowed himself to relax. And then slowly things had begun to unravel. After she'd stunned him and everyone else in the room by asking who he was, he'd immediately realised that this was more than simple confusion following surgery. His Meredith would never have forgot him. No one had answered her straight away and instead a stunned silence had fallen over the room. The Chief was the first to regain his composure and had answered her question. He'd told her Derek was her husband, that they were her friends and family and had told her about the car accident. Derek had simply stood her, his hand feeling the void she'd left when she'd whipped her hand away from his.<p>

"Meredith. It's me. Derek," he'd said, finally finding his voice. "You had us all scared to death. I thought I was going to lose you," he filled his words with as much love as he could, hoping that it would some how permeate through her confusion and remind her, if only on some innate level, that she loved him, that he was her soul mate.

"I'm sorry but I don't know you people,"

Richard had ushered everyone out of the room at that point and asked Meredith a few basic questions. Derek listened as Richard determined that as far as Meredith was concerned she'd just finished medical school and had just moved back to Seattle. They hadn't even met yet, no wonder she didn't remember him. Their whole history, the good and the bad, was gone.

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><p>"She needs another MRI," Derek demanded.<p>

"Derek, she had a CT and MRI when she came in and a second MRI after surgery. It was clear," Dr. James Whitford reminded him. He'd arrived earlier that morning to consult on Meredith's case and he was stunned to see the effect that the last two days had had on Derek Shepherd. He'd never seen the neurosurgery in anything other than a state of total control and now he was looking at a man who was close to losing it.

"I don't care. Things can change. She needs another MRI,"

"There's no point," Whitford said calmly.

"There must be a reason why she's like this, why she cant remember,"

"Shepp, you know there are a number of reasons why she cant remember and most of them will not be picked up on a MRI or a CT or any other test…..," He felt stupid going over the basics with a surgeon like Derek Shepherd, it was stuff that even first interns knew inside out, but he was no longer talking to Dr. Derek Shepherd, he was talking to an emotional husband. "For some patients, retrograde amnesia can affects long periods of time but as they start to get better from their head injuries the memories do return. Shepp you know how this goes," Derek nodded.

"I know, I know. The memories will turned in bits and pieces but when? I can't handle another day of her looking at me like I'm a stranger. I miss her,"

"Derek," Whitford said, using the mans first name and treating him more like a friend than a colleague. "You've got to look on the positive side. She was in a bad car accident and so far it seems, behaviourally, she's as she was. There's no mood swings, increased rage and her language and cognitive functions seem unaffected too. I know this isn't much comfort to you now Derek, but it could be worse. There could have been months of speech and occupational therapy ahead of you both,"

"Yes, she's talking, she's moving, she seems normal if you were to pass her on the street, but …. She's broken. That is not my wife," He thought back to the previous evening. It had been the worse night of his life. The Chief had sent everyone home, not that they had been allowed to see her. He'd kept them all outside the room so as not to aggravate Meredith any more than she already was. Bailey had visited for a few minutes but had left when she found the situation too much to handle. For the remainder of the night Derek sat, uncomfortable in the chair and Meredith laid awake on the bed. Each time he had moved to try to find a comfortable position she had told him to go, that she was fine on her own, she was used to it. It had broken his heart to be faced suddenly with the walls he had spend years slowly breaking down.

He'd tried to explain to Meredith that although she didn't remember him, nothing had changed for him. She was still his wife and it didn't matter how many times she told him to leave he was not going to leave her side. She gave up trying to make him leave. He couldn't decide if it was because she was too tired or she realised it was a battle she was never going to win He could tell she didn't understand where he was coming from and he stopped trying to explain himself. Instead he sat in the chair and tried not to move or look uncomfortable in any way. Several times he thought about telling her about their "post-it", about the promises he'd made but he decided against it. What was the point? The Meredith back then didn't understand commitment. She would never have let some writing on a piece of paper commit her to anything.

"Look I'm going to stay on her case. I'll leave notes for her care and I'll come over every few weeks to monitor her progress. We'll set her up an appointment with a speech and language therapist so she can learn some memory strategies. Hopefully that will speed up her memories returning. But Derek, you have to be patient," Whitford stressed. "I know you. You like instant results and you're not going to get that here. Her brain needs time to heal and we can do certain things to help it along but it's out of our hands now,"

Derek nodded. He knew that everything Whitford was saying was right and he trusted him entirely but being patient was easier said than done. His life was falling down around him and he just had to wait to see if it would rebuild itself.

"I've spoke to Richard and we're going to leave her on the pain medication for a few more days and then I want to start dropping the dosage," Derek started to interrupt but Whitford continued. "I know you don't want her in pain but the pain killers will make her tired and that'll only make her memory worse,"

"O.k.," Derek conceded. He'd brought Whitford on Meredith's case because he was the best and he had to trust his judgement. "Whatever you think,"

He glanced down at his watch. "I've got a flight to catch . I've left instructions with the relevant departments and I'll give you a call in a few days to see how things are going. Dr. Hunt's happy for Meredith to go home and all the appointments I want to make for her can be done as an outpatient so Derek," he said as he picked up his briefcase, "Take your wife home,"

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><p><em>I've sorry about all the boring medical bits in that chapter but now that's out the way I can get to the good stuff...I hope! LL<em>


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I own nothing!_

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><p>"Home?" she enquired nervously. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Maybe I should stay in a bit longer," Suddenly the thought of leaving the sanctuary of the hospital and going out into the real world was a scary prospect. Also there was the fact that home meant being alone with Derek and she wasn't particularly comfortable with the idea of that. What if he expected them to just pick up where they had left off in his head. Would he expect her to make breakfast for him in a morning? Meredith's idea of breakfast was left over pizza from the night before but she had a feeling that wouldn't really work for him. Would he expect all "martial duties" to continue? It wouldn't be the first time she'd slept with a man she didn't really know but she had a feeling Derek Shepherd wasn't the kind of man who would allow her to take advantage of him, say thank you and leave the next day, taking nothing more from their encounter than nice memories. Also, as she kept forgetting, he still viewed her as his wife so the chance of him walking away afterwards so as good as her being allowed to perform open heart surgery on her first day as an intern.<p>

"I know it's a scary thought," Derek said, pulling her from her thoughts and back to the topic at hand. "But it's something you're going to have to do eventually. Now's as good a time as any," he sat down on the edge of her bed and took her hand in his, briefly glancing up to her face to see if she was ok with the gesture. She didn't move or look too worried so he kept it there, savouring the feeling of her hand in his. It was amazing how much pleasure he was getting from such a small, inconsequential gesture but it was nearest thing to normality that he'd had in days so he was going to enjoy every second while he could. "Everyone's at home waiting. They've thrown an impromptu "welcome home" party and you wouldn't want to…."

He stopped as he noticed the look on her face. Her jaw had tightened and she shook her head slightly. "No, I don't know those people. They're not my friends. I can't go home to a party where I have to talk to them or pretend to be fine. I can't do that,"

"Ok,ok," He stroked his thumb across the back of her hand in a reassuring manner. "That's ok. I can call them. Tell them it's a bad idea, that you're not ready. Don't worry. We'll take this at your pace. Anyway," he said casually. "By the time you finally get discharged they'll have all gone to bed anyway. The last few days have taken its toll on everyone,"

"They live in my house?" she said disbelievingly. "Who? I wouldn't have room mates Derek. There's no way I would have people living with me,"

He wasn't sure how to explain to her, without causing her any more stress, that her house was a place that every waft and stray from Seattle Grace Mercy West seemed to migrate to. "Well there's Lexie and Alex and…"

She cut him off. "No," shaking her head more vigorously this time. "No I can't have them there. I don't want those people in my house,"

Derek stood up, still holding her hand. It had gone sweaty with fear at the thought of going home. "I'll sort it. Don't worry." he said,. "I'll sort it so that when we get home they've gone. Don't worry,"

Meredith sank back in the pillows with relief. She wasn't sure why she'd have ever taken in room mates when she enjoyed her own company so much, but she didn't care. All that mattered was that when she got to go home she would walk into familiar surroundings and for the first time in days would feel at peace. She didn't want to deal with strangers in her house. She didn't want to have to put on a brave face and deal with people. She just wanted to be alone to try and process things and try and make sense of the life she had woken up in. There was the slight problem, however, that she wouldn't be totally alone. She had a pretty strong feeling that even if the doctors hadn't said she needed supervision, that Derek would not have left her alone at the house. They were married so her house was obviously now their house, which took some getting used to and didn't settle well at all.

"Don't worry" Derek repeated. "I'll see what we can sort out,"

* * *

><p>Alone in her room while Derek went to sort out the problems of her house mates, Meredith allowed herself to think about the man who was quickly becoming her knight in shinning amour. She could tell he was a kind man, a man who deeply cared about people. He obviously cared about her. He had not left her side for more than five minutes since she'd come around from surgery. He was a doctor, she'd pieced that together from what she'd heard people say and how knowledgeable he was. A neurosurgeon, she thought and judging from the way people talked about him, a well respected one. He was well spoken, interesting and she didn't hate having him again. She knew no one, they were all strangers to her but out of them all she found it easier to be around him. He settled her almost. He didn't seem to expect too much from her. She found herself being able to talk to him comfortably and on some level she knew she could trust him. But that was as far as her feelings went. She liked him and maybe she even thought he was good looking. He'd be the kind of man that she'd happily flirt with, take home to bed but then kick out in the morning. She didn't want anymore than that and for some reason she felt Derek Shepherd was the kind of man of man that if you got to know him, he'd be impossible to kick out. He'd take over you like a drug. Maybe it was his eyes or his charm. Either way, Meredith was not going to be herself in the position to find out. If he was expecting her to fall back in love with him he was going to be disappointed. She did not get attached to people. That had always been her motto and brain injury or no brain injury, she was sticking to it.<p>

Derek returned to her room twenty minutes later with good news. Alex had offered to stay in the trailer until Meredith felt ready to have people in the house. He'd spend the first few months of his married life there so he felt fine managing the problems of living out in the woods. Mark had offered Lexie a place to stay with him. He'd assured Derek that he would take the sofa and that his offer was more to help Derek out than to try to win Lexie back. Derek knew that he should intervene and tell Lexie that she didn't need to go and stay with Mark. It wasn't a good idea. The "Callie situation" was still a problem and if Meredith's memories didn't return soon, Lexie may still be living with Mark when the baby arrived. Meredith would want him to intervene but he just didn't have the strength to look after both his wife and her half sister. Meredith was his life and all his love, desire and worries he had to pour into her. With a nagging feeling of guilt, he'd thanked his friend and had asked him if he could pick Lexie straight up as they were almost ready to leave the hospital. Avery and Kepner had been slightly more taken back when he'd rung and told them that, for the time being at least, that they needed to find somewhere else to stay. He'd explained the situation and although they both said they understood, he could tell they weren't exactly happy at their eviction. He wished he had the energy to care but he didn't. He had tunnel vision. His goal was to do everything he could to make Meredith's life easier. She was still his wife and he couldn't bare to see her upset or anxious.

An hour later, Meredith was dressed, her discharge papers were signed and a wheelchair had been brought in to her room.

"Ready to go?" Derek asked as he picked up her bag and pulled the wheelchair closer to the bed.

"Derek," she asked as she stood up and allowed him to help her into the wheelchair. "Has my life been eventful?"

"Eventful?" He raised his eye brow slightly and a small smile escaped from his lips despite his grim mood.

"Yeah, I heard the nurses talking about a bomb, and drowning and a shooting. At first I thought they were talking about a film but now I think they were talking about me,"

"They are all really long stories," he said, not wanting to go into the darker memories just yet. "Maybe we could talk about them when you're feeling a bit better,"

"There's just so much I don't understand. I don't understand how my life has ended up like it has. I'm married and I have room mates," she said with a puzzled look on her face. "I mean; those two things should be mutually exclusive don't you think? How does that even work? Is our marriage not good so we fill the house with other people to distract ourselves from each other?" Even as she said, she knew that wasn't the case. In the short space of time that she had known him she knew he knew he was an attentive husband.

"I know it's a little….odd," he admitted. "But you've always had your house full of people. When I first moved in I wanted it to be just the two of us but you didn't want that. You said that you're friends were like your family and you wanted them around you. I found it hard to start with but I accepted it. Its one of the things I love about - how much you care about people. But that doesn't mean our marriage doesn't work. It does. Our marriage is…." he struggled for a word that could successfully sum up the most amazing thing in his life. No one word could do it justice. He could write her pages and pages and still he would not be able to convey to her how fantastic their life together was. "….Its indescribable,"

"And our wedding? What was that like because even though everything is upside down at the minute I'm sure I did not walk up the aisle in a big white dress. Please tell me I didn't because out of everything I'm having to learn about my life, I would not be able to get my head round that,"

He chuckled lightly and started to push her out the room and down the corridor towards the elevator. "No, you definitely did not walk down the aisle in a big white dress. But that's another long story,"

* * *

><p>Derek sighed as he saw watched her sleeping form from the doorway. He closed the door shut quietly and returned downstairs. It had been just over a week since the accident and Meredith still could not remember anything about their life. He'd hoped that being back in familiar surroundings would jog some memories but it hadn't work. For the first few days, when she hadn't been sleeping, she'd wandered around the house, picking up ornaments that were new or questing him about why some of her mother's possessions had been unpacked. One morning he'd come downstairs to find her standing at the doorway to his den. She was just staring into the room. She made no movement to enter but just stood, taking in the new furniture.<p>

As he entered the kitchen he glanced at the clock. Time had lost all meaning over the last few days. They had fallen into an unhealthy pattern where Meredith would sleep most of the day and the evening away and then would awake for a few hours in the middle of the night. Not wanting to leave her on her own Derek had started to sleep during the day so that when she woke he was awake with her. It wasn't ideal but as a doctor his body was used to adapting to different sleep patterns and even though she only woke for a few hours, Derek was adamant that he would spend every waking moment he could with her. He talked about their history, skimming over the bad memories and instead focusing on the good ones. He described in detail his proposal to her and he was pleased that she seemed impressed with his novel and intimate proposal. He told her about their first meeting in Joe's and the day after when they found out he was her boss. There had been times when he realised he was boring her with stories of their past so he'd switched to telling her about the different surgeries they had performed together. He was pleased that she was still a surgical junkie and when the conversation got stilted at times, when she was fed up of hearing about a relationship she could not remember, he happily talked surgery. Talk about surgery was better than not talking at all. He was just concerned that their relationship was changing and she was becoming more in love with his talents as a surgeon than she was in him as a husband.

They were due at the hospital in an hour for her first appointment with the Speech and Language therapist. Whitford had called that morning to remind Derek, not that he'd have forgotten. His solely purpose at the moment was to get Meredith to remember. They'd briefly discussed how Meredith was and the different memory strategies that the SLT would go through with Meredith later than day. Derek glanced at the clock again. He'd gone upstairs to wake her for the appointment but she'd looked so peaceful, so like his Meredith, that he'd not been able to do it. He'd just wanted ten more minutes pretending things were how they used to be. Realising that leaving her any longer would mean they would be late for her appointment he headed upstairs with a heavy heart.

He lightly tapped on the door and waited for the sound of movement. He knocked again but was only met by silence. He pushed opened the door and stepped into their bedroom, feeling like an intruder. When they'd first returned home from the hospital and gone upstairs, Derek had been taken over by habit and had taken off his watch, placing it on the bedside cabinet as Meredith kicked off her shoes. She'd looked up at his like he was an alien and for a moment or two he'd not been able to understand why. He'd apologised her, tried to explain to her that if was just a force of habit and that he wasn't planning on sleeping in the same bed as her. She'd not looked convinced, instead she'd looked slightly worried until he'd moved towards the door, said good night and trudged down the hall to Alex's now empty room.

"Meredith," he said quietly. "We're due at the hospital soon. You need to wake up,"

There was still no movement. For a moment he held his breath, worried that something had happened while she slept and he'd been downstairs but he heard the breathing, slow and deep and he knew she was just in a deep sleep. He lent forward and gently shook her arm to wake her. She murmured lightly in her sleep and then sat up suddenly in bed, her eyes open in fear.

"Meredith, its only me," Derek said stepping back from the bed. "I'm sorry. It's only me," He watched her look around the room. Her eyes focused on him and her breathing slowed down a little as she calmed. "We have to be at hospital. You have your first appointment this afternoon,"

She nodded sleepily, rubbed her eyes and went to pull the sheets back so she could get out of bed. She stopped. "Do you mind?" she asked as she indicated to the door.

"No problem, I'll see you downstairs," Derek said, not remembering the last time Meredith had been shy in front of him. He didn't think she ever had. Their first night together had ended with them together on the living room floor, both naked. He missed that Meredith.

* * *

><p>"So I'll just go in there alone," she said, indicating the room behind her.<p>

"Yeah. Of course," Derek nodded. "I'll just go and erm….do some paper work. I'll meet you downstairs in an hour,"

He waiting until she had closed the door behind her before exhaling loudly. He felt his shoulders relax for the first time in days. She was safe with the SLT for an hour. He had a whole sixty minutes to relax and think and not spend the whole time watching her, waiting for her to remember. It was exhausting.

He headed to his office, saying quick hellos to people he passed on the way but not slowing his pace so they realised he didn't want to talk. Richard had granted him as much leave as he needed but there were still cases he needed to write up and although his head was all over the place he was looking forward to having an hour where he could bury himself in his work and try not to think about his crumbling life.

"How was it?" he asked as he approached her in the lobby an hour later. She was sat down reading a pamphlet that the SLT had obviously given her. There was a Seattle Grace Mercy West logo at the top.

"A waste of time," she replied in a grumpy tone of voice. "I still don't remember anything and I can't see how these techniques are going to help," She stuffed the piece of paper in her bag and looked up at him. "If you need to stay here I can get a cab?" she suggested. "I'm fine. I know my address. You don't need to come back with me,"

"No I've done everything I need to. We can go home," He cringed at using that word. He'd purposely avoided using it. He knew to her it wasn't his home.

She stood up and Derek picked up her coat which had been lying across the seat next to her.

"Here," he said, holding her coat open and gesturing for her to step into it. She obliged, then turned around and thanked him. He reached out and straightened her collar. She shook her head as that small gesture tugged at a distant memory somewhere. The situation felt oddly familiar, like she'd been in that exact same moment before.

Suddenly, images raced through her like a bolt of electricity. The feeling of utter devastation washed over her and she gasped. Derek watched as Meredith's eyes opened wider in shock, her mouth open slightly aghast. She stepped away from him, tears glistening in her eyes.

"You're married," she said, barely louder than a whisper. "Oh my god. You have a wife….Addison….."

* * *

><p><em>I've got so many Meredith and Derek scenes going through my head for possible flash backs that I don't know where to start. <em>_If you have any scenes that you want me to try and include in later chapters I'd love you to tell me. Happy scenes, sad scenes...anything!_

_Thanks for the lovely reviews. _


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

_I know it's been a while since I updated this story. I never intended to go this long without updating but real life got in the way and suddenly it's been months since I worked on it. I have to be honest - I thought about not updating, that people have probably lost interest but I couldn't do. I don't like loose ends and I couldn't settle knowing that this wasn't finished. Its been so long I had to go back and read it all again so I really hope it flows and make sense. Any mistakes etc please let me know (nicely) and I'll change it._

* * *

><p>"Meredith…please open the door," Derek begged, as he let his head fall heavily against the door. "You need to let me explain," He paused for a moment, waiting for her to reply or unlock the door. He was met with the same silence that he'd been dealing with for the last hour. He stood up straight and in frustration banged his hand against the door.<p>

Yes, he'd wanted Meredith's memories to return. It was what he'd been praying for since the accident but he hadn't wanted this. He hadn't wanted that life changing moment from six years ago to be her first memory to return. It had shook and possibly destroyed the tentative relationship that they had been building over the last week.

"Meredith, let me explain things to you," he said weakly, his energy suddenly leaving his body at the thought that maybe she would never speak to him again. In her mind they had no relationship, no feelings, no ties to make her want to talk through this. He was just a man that she had known for a week. His body slumped against the door and he slide down it so that he was sat on the floor, his back against the bedroom door and his head in his hands. He exhaled loudly as he let his mind play about the last couple of hours.

He'd thought she was in pain at first. She'd shaken her head to remove her hair from the collar of her coat and then gasped slightly. His first thought had been that the MRI had missed something, that she had experienced a pain in her head and that he needed to race her straight upstairs. And then she'd utter the words that made his heart ache in his chest - You have a wife.

He'd reached forward for her and she'd stepped back, her eyes filling with tears. The pain and the devastation that had radiated from her had caused him to stagger back in shock and so they had stood there, like strangers, several steps apart, for what seemed like an eternity. Derek had been too scared to approach her but stood, watching as tears slowly ran down her face. He watched as pain, gave way to anger and followed after her as she raced outside. She wouldn't listen to him as he chased her across the car park trying to explain. After pleading from Derek and stares from hospital staff leaving and arriving for their shifts, he'd convinced her to get in the car so he could take her home. The entire drive was made in silence, her body facing away from him and her eyes firmly fixed on looking out the passenger side window. The car had barely stopped outside the house before she had flung open the door and charged into the house. He'd heard the bedroom slam as he walked into the house.

"Meredith," he tried again. "Please talk to me. Let me explain. I know that memory must be confusing to you but if you give me a chance to explain things…." he trailed off. How could he ever begin to explain things to her in this state while reassuring her that he'd always loved her. He'd picked Addison. How could he ever explain that without it sounding as bad as it was?

Mistakes never settled well in the mind of Derek Shepherd. Personal, professional, it didn't matter. He was a man who didn't like to make mistakes and to his credit, he'd make relatively few in his life. But the one mistake that he'd made and that he'd regret until the day he died was when he had chosen Addison over Meredith. Almost immediately he knew he had made a mistake. He'd let his head rule his heart, his sense of obligation and his respect for marriage had triumphed his need for love and trust. By the time he had realised that he and Addison could never get back what they'd lost the damage had been done. For years, through the S and M stage of their relationship and even after he'd moved in with Meredith the mistake still haunted him. Every now and again he would catch the look in her eye. He'd destroyed the trust in their relationship and her faith in him. Years and a "post it" wedding later, the trust had been rebuilt but it didn't stop Derek regretting his mistake. As their relationship grew stronger, the presence of the mistake in his mind receded but it would never been truly gone. He'd always known that it would remain hidden, waiting to rear itself again. That moment had come now. He was reliving his mistake again, trying to explain himself but having no confidence in his words because he knew he'd done wrong. He also never knew too well how she was feeling. Her world had been pulled out from under her. Derek remembered that feeling well. When he'd caught Addison and Mark together he thought he would never feel happy again. The angry and the hurt had welled up inside him, eating away his sense of self. He loved Meredith and the fact that he was now the cause of her feeling pain like that was killing him.

* * *

><p>Meredith sat on the edge of the face looking out of the window but not seeing anything but the smug, cat-like smirk that Addison had worn on her face that night. She shook her head to try and dispel it but she couldn't. Her head hurt from the confusion of everything. The man outside the room was a virtual stranger to her. She liked his company and she would even go as far as to say she saw him as a friend. In other circumstances she may even as gone as far as to say she felt attracted to him but his role of caregiver in the last week had quickly quelled those feelings from taking root. But despite all that<p>

Meredith couldn't lose the feeling of desolation that was present in the pit of her stomach. She felt alone for the first time since waking up in this new, confusing time.

The brain was a funny thing. She couldn't remember the last six years of her life. She couldn't remember the amazing surgeries that she'd been told she'd witnessed, she couldn't remember how her house was filled with half the residents in the surgical programmed and she couldn't remember the feeling of her first solo surgery. What was even scarier though was the fact that while she couldn't remember her "husband", their wedding or their life together, she could remember and was now feeling again, the crushing pain of his betrayal. She struggled to breathe against the pain. Her heart felt so crushed that every beat sent a bolt of pain through her body. She could remember the pain and the shock in vivid detail but her brain was annoyingly toying with her and as much as she tried she struggled to remember the minutes or days following her interaction with Derek's wife. She could picture Addison, her red glossy hair, immaculate make up and impressively put together outfit and she could remember that she was doctor but she couldn't remember anything else. Where was she now? When had she left? Had she even left Seattle? And although Derek promised her that the memory she had recalled was from years ago, how could she be sure? She only had his word to take for it and right now, his word meant nothing.

She turned her attention to her door and instead of listening to what Derek was saying, she let the words wash over her. Vaguely, at the back of her mind was a distant memory that was desperately trying to fight its way forward. Derek's words were awakening it from its dormant state. Her eyes squinted in concentrating and she focused on Derek's pleading voice, the love and distress permeating through the haze and into her brain, breathing life into a dead memory. She shivered as a cold crept through her body but she wasn't cold. Her mind was trying to let her remember something but it was just out of reach. It was a memory of cold, of defeat and of Derek fighting for her but she couldn't make any sense of it. Her brain was giving her a taste of the memory and then pulling it away as if she still wasn't ready to remember something so big. She stamped her foot in frustration and Derek abruptly stopped talking. She couldn't cope with everything. The memories just out of reach and the mountains of questions about Addison weighed heavily on her and the pressure was becoming too much.

Meredith stood up and walked across the room to her hairbrush. She picked it up and pulled it harshly through her hair. She'd had enough of this life that he been thrust upon her. It felt wrong to her, like wearing somebody else clothes that didn't quite fit and so restricted movement. She'd had enough. She wanted to be able to move freely again, to feel like herself and she knew just how to do that. A quick glance in the mirror told her she didn't look as bad as she felt and she grabbed her bag off the bed as she crossed to her door. She unlocked the door and quickly yanked it open giving Derek no warning and she stepped back as he fell backwards slightly into the room. As he rightened himself she stepped around him and preceded down the hallway towards the stairs.

"Meredith, where are you going?" Derek asked, scrambling to his feet and following her down the stairs.

"Out!"

"But…"

Meredith reached to open the door but spun round to face Derek and he stopped almost at the bottom of the stairs.

"But what Derek?" she asked calmly. She waited for him to speak and when it was clear that he was lost for words she continued. "I need to go back to the life I know. I need to be me again so I'm going out,"

"Where are you going? "

Derek watched as Meredith bit her bottom lip in thought. "I'm not sure but I know I need to get out of here. I was sat upstairs and I just knew I needed to get out, to blow off some steam or something. That's what I do Derek. I run when things get hard and I drink. So unless there's a medical reason why I can't drink Doctor," Meredith said sarcastically, "I'm going out,"

Derek knew this Meredith. This was the Meredith that instead of reaching for him when things got rough, would reach for tequila instead. He'd had enough experience of this during their first few years but he couldn't judge. He knew he couldn't judge her as most of the times she responded that way because of him, because he'd not been there for her or because he was the cause of the pain. He remembered with discomfort how Meredith had "healed" herself after he left her for Addison and there was no way he was letting her out of the house to get drunk and find some willing man to help her heal. Bile rose in his throat at the thought of her kissing and touching another man. She may not remember but she was still his wife and he couldn't live with the thought of her doing to another man the things that she should only do to him.

Taking a risk and hoping that it wouldn't do more harm than good he asked hopefully, "Do you want some company?"

* * *

><p><em>Please review! It gives me motivation!<em>

_Any ideas for future flashbacks would be appreciated. I know people have left ideas and for those I am really grateful. I have not forgotten them. They have been noted and I am hopefully working my way towards putting them in._

_Thanks LLx _


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